


Homestuck Tumblr fic requests

by Prim_the_Amazing



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, F/F, F/M, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, M/M, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-08
Updated: 2016-08-19
Packaged: 2018-07-13 21:29:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 6,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7137947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prim_the_Amazing/pseuds/Prim_the_Amazing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A fic for where I'll post my hopefully millions of Homestuck drabbles.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. "Get out of the way before I murder you." Pitch Terezi x Roxy

"Get out of the way before I murder you," blind lawyer chick from the third floor snarls before moving to shove you out of the way before you've even got a chance to move on your own anyways. You don't budge an inch. 

"Man, and I thought you had a lady boner for the law and stuff!" you say with a bright smile and your cheeriest secretary voice. You have a had a very long, bad day and you aren't going to let a single other person walk over you, even if it gets your stupid ass fired. You'll just rob an online bank, see if you don't, universe. "Isn't murder, like, illegal?" And there comes the blond ditz voice. You hope she'll actually pop a vein from rage at the prospect of having to explain her oh so important job to you, just some lowly bimbo who does nothing but ~~have people scream at her and be expected to smile back at them and bend backwards to please their psychotic asses~~  sit on her pretty ass (said pretty ass probably being the only reason she got hired while they had to go a motherfucking _Ivy League school_ , oh did they already tell you that four fucking times, well time to tell you again!) all day. 

"You. Are. Blocking. The. Elevator." 

"Gee, looks like you're just going to have to use one of the other elevators two feet away, or," cue mock gasp, " _use the stairs_." 

You hope that she'll slap you, because even though she's a fancy pants lawyer you know for a fact that there's a camera with a perfect view of you two (that her blind ass probably doesn't know about), and even no matter how fancy her pants, you'll bet you'll be able to get some impressive sucker punches in and still walk away scott free with a tearful 'she attacked me first!' 

She certainly looks like she desperately wants to slap you with every fiber of her being. 

" _Look_ ," she says venomously. "I have had a _bad day_ \--" 

"Bad day!?" you interrupt her without hesitation. "You fucking try being the hot female secretary and see how many bad days you have--" 

"Oh boo hoo, you have to interact with crabby assholes, I _lose fucking cases_ because judges for some reason think the fact that I can't see makes me an idiot!"

"Crabby assholes!?" you shriek the understatement of the century, feeling alive and passionate instead of half dead and suffering for the first time all day. "I get treated like I'm not even a human being--" 

"Objection your Honor, that turn of phrase is speciest!" she shouts automtically. After a moment she blushes, which is your cue to start howling with laughter. 

"Well, it is!" she protests weakly. 

She stomps angrily past you to use the elevator two feet away like you'd earlier suggested, clearly signalling her defeat by doing so. Gleefully, you jump in front of her again. Her indignant squawk is hilarious. 

Looks like you found your cure for a bad day at the job. Fucking with this hot troll. 

 


	2. "Are we lost or do you actually know where we're going?" Flushed Terezi x Equius

"Are we lost or do you actually know where we're going?" Equius asks, the doubt quite apparent in his voice.

"Shame on you for not believing in me, Equius. Of course I know where we're going, we're in a forest! I _live_ in a forest. I grew up in a forest. Me and the forest are one." 

" _The_ forest?" Equius asks, and he starts sweating. What he's going to say next is either going to take this conversation in a sexual direction (which you are _all_ for), or he's thought of something genuinely alarming. "You are aware that there is more than one forest... correct?" 

"... Yes, of course." 

You decide that it is time to distract your matesprit by taking this conversation in a sexual direction on your own. 


	3. "Meulin leading Kurloz on until he actually shows how submissive he could be." Flushed Meulin x Kurloz

She's kissing you, hands going for the buckle of your belt, and you think: this is it. Finally. But then you reach for her to take off her shirt, and you must have done something wrong because her hands dissapear, and she's not kissing you any longer. She's not touching you at all. You look at her and whine, head to foggy with arousal to conjure up the right hand motions. 

Even if you'd been able to, she's not even looking at you, buttoning up her skirt all business like, like this doesn't even matter. 

You think about all of the other times this has happened, what you'd been doing every time before she drew away, what she did when she decided to draw away that just made it worse. 

This time, you don't reach out to her when she stands up to leave, don't sign at her to at least talk about what you did wrong. You just lie there, pants half undone, shirt off. 

She stops and looks at you after she takes a few steps and notices that you haven't tried to stop, her. She seems to... soften. 

Success. 

She approaches you and straddles you. You want to place your hands on her hips, but you don't. You can be good. It feels good to be good for her. She _smiles_. 

You don't touch her. 

You both come. 


	4. "Who blinks first?" Pitch John x Terezi

"This is stupid," John says, the huge weenie. 

"You're only saying that because you know you're going to lose," you reply, your smile smug. 

"Because you _don't need to blink_ , you blind dingus! This staring conest is a set up!" 

"It's not my fault if I'm physically superior to you, John," you say as condescendingly as you can manage. Seeing as condescension is a valed attribute in troll culture, you're pretty good at it! "And how dare you accuse me of setting you up, I'm a lawyer--"

"No you aren't, you just declared yourself one--" 

"As the last person in existence with the most knowledge of the law, yes, I _do_ declare that I am a lawyer. In fact, seeing as I'm writing the new laws, you could even go so far as to say that I--"

"Don't!" he says, knowing where you're going with this. 

"-- _AM_ THE LAW!" you finish triumphantly, talking over him. "Motherfucker!" 

He groans, eyes squeezed shut with the pain of the knowledge that you are utterly superior to him all possible aspects, and always will be. 

"Blinked first!" you shout, pointing at him. 

He tries to protest that it didn't count, but you're a lawyer, so you overrule him. Lawyers can do that now, you decide. 


	5. "Can you shut for five minutes please???" Pitch Vriska x Dave

"Can you shut up for five minutes please????????" you ask, the only thing keeping you from murdering Dave the fact that you have to keep your nine eyes on the road and two hands on the wheel. You could probably spare _one_ hand an eye, however... 

"Oh shit did you just hear that people, Vriska Serket just said _please_ , that is so sick, what is up with that, is this the end of days, is this the apocalypse, are plants going to start making everyone kill themselves the Happening style, I bet all of those people just did themselves in because they realized they were in an M Night Shyamalan movie, woah, I can't believe I just said his name all in one go and everything, that damn near never happens--"

"WHAT DID I JUST SAY!?" you shriek, and you decide that you can take one hand of the wheel, but not _eight_ whole eyes, and that is unfortunately the eye that is facing his direction, so you're forced to slam your hand vaguely in his direction and hope you do some damage. It smacks into what you think his face and the painful corner of his lame ass shades, and he stops midsentence with a wet _bluh_. 

You relax for all of three seconds in the blessed quiet, but then he licks your hand, the sick fuck. 

You will _crash this car with both of you still in it into a screaming death_ , you swear to god. 


	6. "Scary movies are for chumps." Pitch Jade x Kanaya

"Scary movies are for chumps," Jade huffs, arms crossed. 

"Is that a surrender?" you ask. "And also, _Fangs of Passion_ is not a 'scary movie', but a gripping tale of two star crossed lovers." 

"The cover art is of a vampire drinking some poor girl's blood! Are you trying to tell me that those two are the 'star crossed lovers?'" 

"That 'poor girl' is having the most magical and romantic experience of her life. Also, the 'vampire' is a rainbowdrinker." 

"Well, I think that we're using 'quotation marks' a bit too much, also, is _Fangs of Passion_ a porno? Because the longer I look at the cover and the longer you talk--" 

"It is not a porno!" 

"That is a lot of cleavage! And why is her corset on the _outside_ of her dress?" 

"I admit it doesn't make a whole lot of sense historically, but _aesthetically_ \--" 

"And the vampire's got her leg between that lady's--"

"She's a  _rainbowdrinker_!" 

This night is going wonderfully. You haven't even started the movie, and you're already fighting. Kanaya Maryam: the most romantic kismesis ever. 


	7. "The floor is lava." Flushed Jade x Nepeta

"The floor is lava," Nepeta says, and you immediately tuck your feet underneath your rump, safe from the magma ground. 

"Oh no!" you say. 

"We meowst figure out what pawsed this!" Nepeta agreed, perched on top of one of your book cases. 

"It was... me!" you say, standing up in your love seat. 

"No! Say it isn't so!" 

"I'm sorry, Nepeta, it's just that the lure of mad science was too much for me..."

"How could you do this to me, Jade!" Nepeta says, hands to her chest, over her heart. 

"I never meant for it go like this..." 

Nepeta abruptly leaps all the way over the gap between the book case and your love seat and tackles you to the couch next to it, you screaming all the way. 

"You meowst be purrnished fur your crimes," she says, looming over you. "With... kisses!" 

"Nooo, have mercy!" you manage in between giggles as she smooches you all over your face. 

But she is merciless. 


	8. "You've gone to the bathroom fifty times today." Pitch Rose x Feferi

"You've gone to the bathroom fifty times today," you say, resolutely passing the gas station Feferi had indicated. 

You don't even need to look at her out of the corner of your eye to tell that she's gaping at you in outrage. 

"Excuse me!" she exclaims, far too loud as is her usual. "I told you to stop! What do you want me to do, pee in a Faygo bottle!?" 

"There are no Faygo bottles in this car, and there never will be. And it's not my fault that you're so used to just letting your pee seep into the ocean while you're in mid conversation or doing chores or _sleeping_ that the second your bladder is filled with any miniscule amount of liquid you don't have the fortitude a _toddler_ has to keep it in--" 

"OH MY COD, I DO NOT LET MY PEE SEEP INTO THE OCEAN!" Does she want you to contract tinitus? Because it seems like she wants you to contract tinitus. 

"Really. Then pray tell Feferi, where exactly do seadwellers pee? Where does it _go_ , Feferi? Please tell me, I'm very curious." 

"I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU THAT, YOU PERVERT!" she shrieks, and you wonder whether the Vantas and Peixes genes mixed a bit inside the Mothergrub. 

You don't need to look out of the corner of your eye to confirm it, but you do it anyways because you want to. She's blushing bright pink. Adorably stupid. 

"Whatever you say, Miss I-Have-No-Bladder-Control." 

She stubbornly keeps her legs crossed and doesn't tell you to pull over again for the rest of the trip, just as planned. 


	9. "When's the last time YOU cleaned the bathroom?" Flushed John x Dirk

"When's the last time YOU cleaned the bathroom?" Dirk asks, yellow gloved hands elbow deep in the toilet that you would very much like to use. 

"I'd be more than happy to clean the bathroom if you'd ever _let_ me," you say, exasperated and tormented by nature's insistant call. 

"You do it wrong," he says, scrubbing intently at a non existent stain inside the toilet bowl. 

"Dirk, _please_ ," you groan. "I'm going to literally pee myself if you don't move. Is that what you want? Is this some kind of new kink you're trying to explore here? Make John pee himself because you'd rather have a ridiculously clean toilet than a not-humiliated boyfriend? Is that what it's called?" 

"Hold it in for just... thirty more minutes." 

" _Thirty minutes_!?" you howl. "I can already see my reflection on it, what are you going to do to it that's going to take a whole half hour more? You know what, screw it, I'm peeing in the shower." 

"You're _what_!?" he asks, finally looking away from that damned toilet. Well, now it's your turn to not look at his rude ass as you walk towards the shower, unbuttoning your pants. 

"Peeing in the shower," you answer him. 

"Are you some kind of barbarian? Pee goes in the toilet! I'm naked in the shower! Don't you dare pee where I get naked." 

"Well, your hands are currently in the toilet so my pee can't go there, and you know what, Dirk, I've peed in the shower before. _Often_. I pee there pretty much every time I shower." 

At the silence that follows, you look over to see Dirk behind you, crouching by the toilet, looking at you with pure horror. 

You have a feeling you're going to be sleeping on the couch tonight. 


	10. "Did you ever clean the attic?" Pale Rose x Aradia

"Did you ever clean the attic?" you ask, handing Aradia a freshly washed plate for her to dry. 

"Nope!" she says cheerfully. "Attics should be dusty and covered in cobwebs. That's what attics _are_ , Rose." 

"Ah, yes, what a fool I was. Carry on, my dear not at all lazy moirail." 

"I'm serious! What are attics for, if not to be atmosperic and creepy?" 

"A place to stash your Christmas decorations?" 

"No, it's a place for you to find the dark secrets/tomes/treasures or your ancestors!" 

"I'm afraid there's nothing up there but unwanted birthday gifts, most of which are ugly lamps and print love seats thankfully hidden underneath white sheets." 

"We can fix that," she says, bumping your hip with hers playfully. You smile. 

"I suppose a dusty, haunted attic is better than a spotless one filled to the brim with literally nothing but tea cozys and bottles of vodka." 

"That the spirit!" she says, holding out her hand for the next plate. 

"Ooh, _spirits_."

She cackles. 


	11. "It's just rain, you aren't gonna' melt!" Pale Karkat x Feferi

"It's just rain, you aren't gonna' melt!" she says, your arm trapped in her iron grip. She could crush steel bars with that hand, Equius has nothing on her. The only difference is that she's got control. She was meant to have this strength. 

Right now however, she is terribly abusing it. 

"Shut up!" you shout. "Just because you're a seadweller and are used to being totally submerged in water twenty four seven doesn't mean that all of us like to get wet!" 

"Come on and get wet with me. It'll be fun!" 

"That's-- oh my god, that's disgusting! We're moirails! Don't say that kind of shit!" 

"Huh?" she asks, entirely too innocent to be fucking true, and it's while you're distracted, gearing up for the rant of a lifetime, that she takes the oppurtunity to yank you the rest of the way outside. 

You howl with indignation, but she ignores you, spinning you around and then dipping you, hand cradling the back of your neck in an obscene display. You abruptly realize that she's aping your favorite scene from (abbreviated title) _Pale as Bone,_ in which the two love interests get together in a dramatic scene in the rain. 

"Who's romantic now?" she asks huskily, getting troll Helen Bonham Carter's delivery perfectly, enough to make you think that she actually practiced this. 

"You are," you breathe, breaking the script, but you don't fucking care. 

You pap. 


	12. "I can't see anything." Pitch Aradiabot x Jade

"I can't see anything," Aradiabot says in her stupid calm monotone. 

"Oh, I think I actually broke something..." you say, peering at her cracked eye lenses, wincing. 

"It sounded like one of your knuckles," she agrees. 

"Not my hand, your face!" you say, scowl back in place like it never went away. Your hand _really_ hurts, but you're not going to tell her that. She totally deserved that punch. Although she maybe didn't quite deserve being _blinded_...

"I'll fix you," you sigh, put upon. Never mind the fact that it was you who broke her. 

"No need," she says. "I'll just have Equius repair me." 

"What, your ex?" you ask, insulted all over again. "What, you'd rather see him than let me fix you? You think I'm that bad?" 

"He was the one who built me. He would know how to repair me best."

"Screw you!" you shout. "I'll fix you up better than you were before! You'll have night vision and X ray vision and heat vision and--"

"I'll just go." 

"You can't even find him on your own, you're blind!" 

"I'll just troll him." 

"Shut up and sit down, I'll go get my toolbox. I'll show you who's the best mechanic here, you'll be able to zoom in and out on things, and..." 

It doesn't occur to you until the next day that she may have just played you. 


	13. "You're breaking my heart, babe." Flushed Dave x Feferi

"You're breaking my heart, babe," Dave says, but somehow you doubt his sincerity! 

"Dave, trust me! This is for your own good." You throw the last of his underwear into his brief case, and then after some reflection throw in some apple juice too. 

Dave may be a strong and speedy guy, but he's no match for a fushcia blood. You've got one hand firmly planted on his thorax, keeping him pinned to the concupiscent platform. "Fef, I am already chilling as hardcore as I can one hundred percent of the time. I really don't need a vacation." 

"Yes you do. You wouldn't think it from how laid back you seem, but you're a workaholic! You're almost constantly working on some project or other, it's unhealthy! Everyone needs a break." 

"Honey bunny, no. I'm so relaxed. Look at me. It's like I OD'd on a bottle of chillax pills I got by writing a bunch of fake, illegal receipts, and I'd be foaming at the mouth right now if it weren't for how chillaxed I was." 

"And you won't get to bring any of your computers or phone with you on the trip so that you can work in secret behind my back. It's okay, I already trolled all of your friends about it!" 

"But, babe, you have to have at least four computers on you at all times. You can never be caught without a computer, ever." 

"Well, that's just too bad, you meme loving fuck!" you say, and Dave's mouth does one of his adorable barely perceptible smiles where a corner of his mouth twitches up by a centimeter. You kiss that adorable smile. "You're just going to have to occupy yourself in... other, less stressful ways." 

Your eyebrows goes up and down, like how Rose taught you. 

There's that apple red blush you love so much! 


	14. "Where's my food?" Pale Vriska x Jane

"Where's my food?" Vriska asks, hugging you from behind so that she can look into the mixing bowl over your shoulder, the scamp. 

"I just started five minutes ago, Vriska," you say. "A good meal takes time." 

She groans. "I just got back from work and a hot, piping meal _isn't_ waiting for me at the table? Sometimes it almost feels like you aren't madly in pale for me, Jane." 

"Oh, shoosh," you chide her. "You could have pestered me that your firm had had a half day long ago before you came home, and then you'd already be eating right now! You have no one else to blame but yourself." 

"I thought you'd be proud that I didn't text while driving, like you keep saying!" 

"I meant _before_ you got into the car, dear. But yes, thank you for being good about that." You peck her on the cheek and she preens. "Here's a reward," you say, feeling indulgent, and you hold up a spoon with some of the cake batter still on it. "Just a little though, we don't want you getting--" 

"Salmonella, yeah, yeah, it's not like you say that to me ten times every day or anything," she says shortly, still smiling, and she _dives_ for the spoon, teeth clacking closed on the handle. You really have to get her to stop doing that, you're running out of spoons. She hmms appreciatively though when what she's tasting registers, and you've forgiven her already. 

You kiss her on her brow and let her lick another spoon. It's fun to have an absolute disaster to mother. 


	15. "Can I be of assistance?" Pitch Equius x Jane

"Can I be of assistance?" he asks, voice positively dripping with scorn and sarcasm both. 

The mechanic is apparently not to impressed with your mixing bowl. You stubbornly do not flush with embarrasment. You won't give him the pleasure. 

"Yes, my little brother, the scallywag, saw fit to pour cement into my batter as a prank," you explain yourself. _I am not an idiot who did this to herself_ , you say intently with your eyes, willing him to believe you. It _is_ the truth. 

"Your brother. Sure." Apparently he does not believe you. Apparently he believes you a fool of massive proportions. You want to take his wrench and sock him a good one on his face, but that would be a tad too much. 

"Can you fix it?" you ask, and make sure to inject the question with a terribly rude amount of doubt and condescension. He bristles, which makes you smirk with triumph. 

"Of course I can," he says, and then proceeds to list a price that is clearly daylight robbery. 

You haggle well into the night. 


	16. "I think you forgot who wears the pants in this relationship." Flushed Jane x Sollux

"I think you forgot who wears the pants in this relationship," you say sternly, standing in front of him, obstructing his view of the television, hands on your hips. 

"You're wearing a skirt," Sollux points out. 

"Don't get cute me, Mister Captor," you scold. 

"I'm always cute," he retorts. 

"That was you getting cute with me after I'd warned you not to, and you're going to pay for it," you say, and then you pick him up. He's light as a feather, the little bundle of skin and bones. And after you've been feeding him for so long as well. You're starting to think that he may just be cursed with a very effecient metabolism. 

"Put me down." He could just use his psionics to get out of your grip, but he very noticably doesn't. It makes you grin, and him blush. 

"Maybe _you_ should wear a skirt," you say, and you can pinpoint the exact moment he realizes that you're heading for the bedroom by how his crotch makes some fascinating movements against your shoulder. 

"Maybe you should fuck off," he mumbles, but you know he's just saying that to say something, the flustered little angel. 

You'll still make him pay for it, though. 


	17. "Take the long way around." Flushed Rose x Aranea

"Take the long way around," Aranea advises. 

"My dear," you say, amused and making sure that she knows it. "For an objective and uninvolved DM, you sure seem to be coming off as... invested." 

She flushes, flustered. "I'm just making sure that you get the most interesting journey possible." 

You hum agreeably. "And I'm sure it's got _nothing_ to do with any control issues that you may or may not have."

She huffs and does an actual hair toss, of all things. "What way will you be taking?" 

"The long one," you say, and through her surprise a quickly muffled smile breaks through. 

You are going to hit that so hard. 


	18. "I swear, I'm not scared." Pale Kanaya x Dirk

"I swear, I'm not scared," Dirk repeated. 

"Yes, dear," you reply yet again. 

"I've watched literally every scary movie that's available on the internet under the sun."

"As I am given to understand, some humans of reputable trust have confided in me that Alternian horror movies are something else." The humans always conscpiciously opted out of movie night when Vriska was choosing, and you suspect it has something to with the fact that her tastes lay firmly in the 'troll thriller' genre. 

"Well. I'm not scared." 

"You are a stone cold badass. I do not doubt this, darling." 

"Good." 

He stops talking about how not scared he is once you lay your arm around his shoulders, however. Watching horror movies together and waiting for your moirail to jump into your arms: the oldest pale trick in the book. So old, in fact, that basically only a human would fall for it. 

Never let it be said that you can't be devious. 


	19. "I thought you were nice." Pale Rose x Dave

"I thought you were nice," Dave says sulkily. 

"I have absolutely no idea where you got that misconception from, but I sincerely hope that I did nothing to encourage it." 

"Well, honestly, to make me think that you weren't _this_ amount of not-nice you'd just have to not be a total monster. And I mean a literal monster, furry and huge as fuck, drooling for bones all over the damn place." 

"Well, I'm terribly sorry I did not appear to you in my true form when I first approached you, Dave, but I had thought you weren't the type to judge books by their cover."

"Well, you misjudged me, Lalonde. Remove your deceitful skin suit this instance, you don't deserve it." 

"Dave," you sigh. "You really can't actually live off of nothing but apple juice and nacho chips. I'm  legitimately fearing for your live here."

"You're not my mom." 

"No, but I am your sister. Now open up for the airplane." You make a sufficient amount of airplane noises as you aim for Dave's mouth with the carrot that he actually does open up. That's promising. Perhaps he won't be upset with you until the end of days for pouring out his apple juice after all. 


	20. "You know when your phone buzzes, it means I’m trying to talk to you, right?" Flushed Sollux x Jade

"You know when your phone buzzes, it means I’m trying to talk to you, right?" Sollux says. 

"... What?" you ask, raising your eyebrow. 

"Did you... not know that?" Sollux asks, raising an eyebrow in turn. 

"I... you're _right there_. You could just talk to me, with your mouth, like you're doing right now. I was trying to be polite, just focusing on you and me instead of texting while we're watching a movie together. Hey, wait, how _are_ you texting me?" 

"Psionics, duh." A shower of blue and red sparks catches the corner of your eye, and you turn to Sollux's phone floating a few feet away. 

"Let me rephrase," you say. " _Why_ are you texting me? Again, mouth noises work just fine." 

"I want to hear what the actors are saying," he says, like it's so obvious. 

"... You dork," you say, and kiss him. 

You make sure the loser can hear the actors just fine, but you don't think anything they're saying is registering any longer. 


	21. "I could beat you up, you know that right?" Pitch Jane x Aranea

After the cerulean blood's seventh backhanded 'compliment' you say fuck it to manners and common decency. There's not a single decent thing about this woman, so you're not about to go around acting like there is. 

"I could beat you up, you know that right?" you say, and she finally shuts up for _two fucking seconds_. 

"That's--" 

"What? Barbaric? A _lie_? Where you about to call me a liar? Because it's true. Let me prove it to you." And then you grab a hold of the desk she's sitting at and  _up end_ it. _Fuck_ her. 

"I," she says, face bright blue. 

"If I hear about you controlling anyone from my department again, you've got another thing coming to you. Remember: your piece of shit power doesn't work on humans." 

Does she look turned on? No, you must be imagining it. You walk off with a huff. 


	22. "Are you even human?" Pitch Nepeta x Dave

"Are you even human?" Dave asked, only half kidding, watching as the tiny, little girl carried eight gigantic, heavy-ass looking pieces of luggage with what looked like ease. 

For some reason she smirks at this. 

"What else would I be?" she asked cheerfully. 

"Um, I dunno', the Hulk in disguise? Would explain your green fetish. Or, oh shit, you're Supergirl! Call Area 51, I've got the scoop of the century. Or you're--"

"The living embodiment of a curse an enemy placed on you to bug you to figurative death, making sure that you'll never live a peaceful moment again?" 

You blink a bit at what she just said. "What?" 

"Kidding! I'm just your harmless new roomie! Nothing weird going on here! Hey, you don't mind it if I've got a dozen cats, right?"

"Uh--"

"Great! Oh, just so you know, Tinkles isn't housebroken, Snuggles scratches the furniture, Tweedledee and Tweedledum _will_  bite your face off if you call one of them by the other's name, they're very sensitive about that but don't worry I'm sure you'll learn to tell them apart after a while, there's a neat trick to it!"

"And what trick is that exactly--"

"Oh, and Cupcake is very chatty, but don't you worry you'll get used to him, I sleep right through all of his yammering now, and it only took me a few years! And Muffin--"

"This is the first time I've met someone who actually rambles more than me, this is kind of amazing, really."

"--so don't do that or he will _literally die_ and I will be so sad--"

"Wait, what did I just miss!?" 

"--and Sprinkles is super allergic to apples, so I'm going to need you to get rid of anything with apples in it in the house--"

"NO!" 

"--and Fluffy needs three two hours long baths every day to keep her coat properly groomed. I know there's just one bathroom in this place, but you're just going to have to manage! Dave is a sweetheart, oh by the way I've got a cat called Dave, let's hope that won't get annoyingly confusing real fast!" 

"Right--"

"And Farty... well, his name is that for a reason. But I'm sure you'll--" 

"--Get used to him, right." 

"Right! And last is Romeo and Juliet. They fuck like rabbits, but they really are cats, he he! I'm sure that won't be weird or uncomfortable for you at all. I need to warn you though, you will inevitably find them mating on your bed or your desk or some place you don't want them to be mating." 

"I don't want cats mating anywhere in my house." 

"Well then, it's too late!" she smiled and pointed to something behind you. You turn around to see a couple of cats fucking on your turntables, another cat mauling your sofa, a fourth reeking of farts, a fifth peeing on your rug, two identical cats with very sharp teeth and claws staring you down, and a eight one meowing. 

You wonder how the hell all of these cats got in here without you noticing. 

"Dave, don't hump Dave!" 

"What?" you ask, and look down at your leg. 

"Oh, did I not mention that Dave's a humper?" Nepeta asks. "Well, he is. Well, I'm really looking forward to living here, Dave! This looks like a great place. I need to go and give Fluffy a bath now. While I'm gone, could you get rid of all apple products in the house so that Sprinkles will be okay? And you can unpack my stuff too. And remember what I said about Muffin! It is so important!"

"... Right," you say, but she's already gone. 

When you frantically look over your contract later that night, you wonder how high you must have been to have not seen the clause that says that your roommate can bring twelve fucking cats. 

You find Romeo and Juliet fucking on your bed, and decide to sleep on your shredded couch tonight (as much as it's possible to sleep through Cupcake's hellish meowing). 

By the time the sun's breached the horizon without you closing an eye, you decide that you despise your roomie with a burning passion, and will destroy her no matter what it takes. 

(And get some air fresheners. God _damn_ Farty.) 


	23. "He's been gone for quite a while." Pale Nepeta x Tavros

"He's been gone for quite a while," the guy behind the counter you're hiding behind whispers to you quite loudly. 

"Um," you say. "Thanks. Fur letting me hide here, I mean." 

"Well, to be honest I was mostly shocked silent when you did that pretty acrobatic looking flippy thing over the counter, which was very cool."

"Thanks," you say, feeling just incredibly awkward about the whole thing, but also relieved that you managed to avoid Gamzee. That guy is kind of terrifying! Kind of really terrifying. Oh-god-I-think-he-might-actually-literally-kill-me terrifying. You make a mental note to sharpen your knives once you get home. 

"If you, um, would like to hide behind this counter again, that would be okay, I think, seeing as a tiny woman hiding from a scarred, tall, weird looking man is probably in the right, and also in some danger." 

You're not contesting the fact that you may be in some danger, but you are painfully tempted to point out that you were the one who managed to fuck up his face in a prior altercation. It is an objective fact that you are a tiny woman, but when people point it out it always feels like an insult, mainly because it's always brought up as a point to indicate that you're weak. 

You probably shouldn't tell strangers that you cut up people's faces, though. 

"Right. Thanks again." You really are thanking this guy too much. 

"Oh no, I'm sorry, I didn't mean that as that you are weak and need help. Well, you need help, but anyone would need help, probably, if they were being pursued by a scary looking guy like that. Actually, I'm sorry, it' weird that I brought up your gender..."

"It's fine," you say, tone softer now. This guy is really pretty bad with the whole words thing. It's a bit painful to witness. "Women are more often the target of violence, just because they're women." 

"Yes, that is, I didn't bring it up because I think women are weak, actually all of the women I know could pretty easily kick my ass, although I'm probably not such a good measuring stick considering that a child could probably beat me up--"

"Beclaws you're in a wheel chair?" you ask. 

"Um, ah, yes, that is--"

"Beclaws that's wrong. With the right fighting style and purhaps weapons, I'm sure that you could kick ass too." 

"Uh, okay, but I really don't need--"

"Nonsense," you interrupt him. "Everyone should know how to proctect themselves." Which you learned by first hand experience, unfortunately. You imagine freaky clown guy beating up counter guy-- his name tag says Tavros-- and you grimace. It's all too easy to envision. "Purhaps a weapon with some range," you muse, already thinking. 

You should repay this guy for his generous 'you can hide behind this counter' offer, after all. 

Tavros turns out to be pretty good with a lance, of all things. 


	24. "Do you ever stop smiling?" Flushed Feferi x Roxy

"Do you ever stop smiling?" Feferi asks, passing her a wet dish. 

There was a reason why Roxy was voluntarily spending time with Feferi Peixes, fish bitch extraordinary, and that was that it wasn't voluntary at all. The dreaded Chore Wheel had mercilessly stuck her with drying duty after dinner for the day, stuck standing next to a bored, and thus chatty, Feferi who was stuck washing the dishes. 

"You're one to talk," Roxy points out super reasonably, okay. "You were smiling even when you were kicking that fish guy's globes in." 

"That's a perfectly normal time to smile!" she protested. 

"I'm just saying, you being weirded out be smiling is kiiiinda supes hypocritical of you." 

Feferi bristled at that. They'd all been alive and living together for three months now, and Roxy had already called Feferi a hypocrite five times (now six). Hey, it wasn't Roxy's fault that Feferi kept criticizing 'flaws' she saw in Roxy that she one hundred percent had herself. She clearly had some issues going on. 

"Don't be so casual when insulting someone!"

"You do that too." 

"And you're too cheery!" she almost shouts, color rising to her cheeks. 

"Right back at you, hon." 

"AND YOU'RE TOO PINK!"

Roxy wondered whether it was possible to roll her eyes so hard she hurt herself. If it was, she was on the verge of it. " _Seriously_?"

"And-- and-- you're too leader-y! I could handle John or Catfish being the friendleader, but _you_ \--"

"What _about_ me?" Roxy asks, temper fraying, eyes narrowing. 

"You don't get to be pink _and_ a leader!" she finishes, and the plate she's holding breaks into many pieces in her tightening hands. 

"... Wait, is this an _instinct_ thing, or--?"

She hiss-growled at Roxy, and then lunged. 

It thankfully resulted in a rather bite-y and way too tongue-y kiss instead of a ripped out throat. 

What a bitch. 


End file.
